ferret nest

Piss poor state of affairs

2006-03-13T18:14:00.000-08:00

Humblest apologies dear reader ... it's taken a helluva long time for me to get me arse into gear and update me blog, something to do with unemployment I guess (so much easier to post in work time than one's own time!).

Vodka and soda with a dash of lime have been my downfall amongst other things. Today's downfall was Frontline - the pesky flea control liquid used on domestic cats and dogs. Got a left eye full of the fucking stuff thanks to my hyperactive whippet.

Happy christmas your arse

2005-12-08T05:13:00.000-08:00

When do you decide it's officially Christmas? For me it's the first time each year that I hear the 1987 classic Fairytale of New York by Shane McGowan of The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl for some others it's the first time they see the Famous Grouse advert on TV. I can tell you that in the ferret nest it is now Christmas, however there are no paper chains or tree. Last year ferret christmas started very early on the 4th November which was a fucker.

Cheesecake

2005-11-16T14:40:00.000-08:00

At last something superb to draw your attention to.

Should I ever get married again my partner will have to agree to having one of these at our wedding! Absolutely wicked and the best thing I've seen all week. These punters know the way to a ferret's heart.

Last Tango in Paris

2005-11-10T10:25:00.000-08:00

Monkey-toed celebutante Paris Hilton, once famous for trying to take a goat on a plane, has a new fashion accessory on the catwalk. At the recent 2 B Free fashion show she paraded her bright orange stick of a body about with a new consort a ferret named Rascal.

What is this fucking stupid bint like eh? She binned her pooch Tinkerbell the chihuahua because he was too big to fit in her handbag. Well I wouldn't mind betting that Rascal has had a shit in your new Gucci bag my love and I bet it fucking stinks.

Conservatives are clowns shocker

2005-11-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

MPs have only bloody gone and unanimously supported a proposed change to the new Licensing Act to prevent it from killing off touring circuses. Which shagwit came up with that idea ... oh yeah Conservative MP Peter Luff. That tory clown has put forward an amendment to the law under which circuses would be able to apply for one-off, annual licences, rather than having to get separate ones from every local authority they visit.

Circuses are wrong for many reasons but in my book primarily because they harbour clowns. The sooner they are priced out of existence the better.

I for one will not be joining this set of twats.

Paris Match

2005-11-09T12:35:00.000-08:00

Went to That There France yesterday to stock up on booze, cheese and cheap cornichons (the Pez are not for my own personal consumption honest guv) and didn't see a single rioter or burning car - most disappointing. Apparently it all kicked off because two Darwin Award contenders fried themselves hiding from les gendarmes. Oh how the IOC must be so fucking pleased with themselves that they picked London for 2012.

Statler & Waldorf

2005-11-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

Something that's been twisting my swede for the past 48 hours is just how does Dave Blunkett get all these dolly birds? I mean he ain't no looker is he now? The labrador has a certain charm but DB must be one helluva fuck to get all those lovely ladies.

Here's another munter that always got lucky: that boat dwelling coroner Quincy ME, he always managed to bag the prettiest birds.

Anyway like Mr Blunkett I just don't see it myself.

Best Mate of Prince Charles

2005-11-04T07:58:00.000-08:00

I nipped into WH Smith yesterday and took the opportunity of browsing the selection of magazines and newspapers that they have. All of them had a picture of Camilla The Duchess of Cornwall on the front except for Horse & Hound - now that's ironic on two counts.

Cheeky Fucking Vimto

2005-11-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

Get's me every bastard time. Only had three I think it was and I am wrecked today. As I've said to my friends before how the fuck that leek chomping warbler Charlotte Church can drink those all fucking night is beyond me. Mind you they make Simpsons Top Trumps highly amusing. Do however be fucking careful with the glow in the dark case the cunting thing has scarred my finger for life.

Note to self: would feel better if I drank Toilet Duck.

Taking one of these into my meeting on Friday morning

2005-10-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

Came home early tonight to prepare another weapon in my armoury for tomorrow's meeting.

Ferret has left the building

2005-10-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

I am now entering what is technically known as a "Redundancy Consultation Period". To me this means that I go home sharpen my kogarasumaru (a curved, two-edged sword) and brush up on my bujutsu (war skills). I will prepare for the battle on Friday when the haggling starts.

Off out for sushi and sake tonight which is a bit fucking ironic.

Useless fact of the day: Bring it on you fuckers - the traditional war cry of the Ferret.

Koala bears are shit

2005-10-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

Recently whilst sorting some photos of my late father I found a snap of him with a koala bear taken at the Brisbane Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary. Amazingly enough I never knew that he'd been there when I visited the place almost exactly 20 years later. Anyway it got me thinking about when I had my photo taken with a miserable little shitbag koala at the same place.

I was handed the grumpy little fucker who happened to be named Flora. Well I can tell you first hand that they are boney arsed pellet shitting fake bears. Koalas you aren't bears you are marsupials. You look cuddly but are not.

Their piss concentrates the chemicals in the Eucalyptus leaves. They piss on everything, especially the fool who tries to pick one up. Their piss stinks.

Now these are real bears

Two animal tales

2005-10-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

Apparently a rat swam 400m: Some poor rat had been radio tagged and its movements tracked by Kiwi researchers at the University of Auckland to learn more about pest species and how they invade small islands.

The rodent was released on the uninhabited island of Motuhoropapa but refused to be captured at the project's end. The researchers told a nature magazine that Ratty finally turned up on the nearby Otata Island - a mighty swim of 400m.

"Norway rats can supposedly swim up to 600m but, to our knowledge, this is the first record of a rat swimming hundreds of metres across open water," they write.

In total, the rat was free for 18 weeks. It was eventually killed in a trap baited with penguin meat.

The uninhabited and forested Noises Islands (Motuhoropapa and Otata) off northeast New Zealand were reinvaded by Norway rats at least six times between 1981 and 2002. Now correct me here if I'm wrong but isn't Norway a fuck of a lot further from New Zealand than a few hundred metres?

Police Woofer sacked from his force for being too soft.

A German shepherd called Buster is now a family pet after his £25,000 training course.

Apparently he disgraced himself during a search for a missing person near Rotherham by ignoring footprints, curling up in the grass and falling asleep. Then, instead of helping his handler PC Plod deal with drunks fighting outside a pub, he just wagged his tail and tried to make friends.

The final straw came when he was supposed to flush out a burglar from a garden after a 3am call. Buster ignored the thief hiding behind a wall, had a piss and then lay down.

I just wonder if the poor critter did the sniffer dog training course and was a bit wasted.

To err is human, to howl, lupine

2005-10-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

Now here's something you probably weren't aware of: contrary to popular belief wolves do not actually have tails, they just hang about in groups so that ones leg looks like anothers tail. In so doing they appear much more menacing.

Now for something totally fucking irritating to me: I may well be made redundant this week guess that'll kick my sorry fat arse for taking the fucking piss out of the penguin breath brigade. Actually it would be a blessing in disguise. Can't wait to get away from them, their cloven hoof running shoes, those split-toed socks and no doubt their Hello Kitty vibrators that they keep hidden in their latest Louis Vuitton or Gucci handbags.

I'm blaming Siegfried & Roy

2005-10-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

What happened to the owl and the pussycat?

Those crazy plastic faced cunty freaks are back in business I tell ya. It's all part of Roy Horn's comeback tour.

Anyway this rather nice painting by Italian artist Paola Pivi is depicted on the outside of the Hayward Gallery.

The good the blog & the ugly

2005-10-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

Bad stuff:
Northern Line : totally fucked - 600,000+ pissed off punters seeking alternative travel arrangements
Rain: not even proper torrential rain just that pissy London rain
Cunts with umbrellas : nearly lost a fucking eye this morning
Rucksacks/Backpacks : Why does every school kid have one which they insist on wearing all the time especially whilst travelling on a bus
Waterloo Station : a bastard ice rink that Torville & Dean could perform on
Shoelaces : which goon invented shoelaces that undo upon impact with rain?

Good stuff:
John Peel Day : Teenage Kicks on the radio all day
Boots the Chemist : Three for two on dental products so come on "Hello Kitty(kat breath)" colleagues get down there
Cow Parade : a lovely cow on a balcony in Hanover Square W1

Ugly stuff:
Smurfs : bombed by UNICEF - normally this would be good but UNICEF want your readies for kiddies in war torn countries

Today's top tip : never put a Berocca tablet into a small bottle of fizzy water unless you want your desk to look like a baboon has pissed all over it

Freddie Flintoff & George Michael's Cousin

2005-10-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

Freddie Flintoff is going to lower the tone and release his pissed up version of Jerusalem as a christmas single. Now don't get me wrong here Freddie is a hero to many but for fucksake Freddie don't do it. He's in collaboration with an opera singer, Jon Cristos, who has his hands and voice insured for circa £10m.

I suppose it's marginally better that Freddie gets the coveted #1 christmas spot since strong rumours abound that Coldplay want to do a duet with those cunters The Krankees. That certainly would not be fan fucking dabi dozi.

Ex-Footballer's cafe

2005-10-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

Being the old buzzard I am I have managed to extend my birthday celebrations to another weekend. Tomorrow I am being taken to Gordon Ramsey at Claridge's.

Apparently they are so posh there you can't wear jeans or trainers but you can swear like a "cuntish cook having a fucking wanker of a day" which is nice.

Wonder if he'll hide parma ham in my creme caramel!

Do penguins have bad breath?

2005-10-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

I mean they eat raw fish and seaweed which is basically sushi. Well my japanese colleagues at work ALL have breath that is strong enough to knock a buzzard off a shit wagon my friends. Frankly I find it more abhorrent than second hand garlic breath on a Northern Line tube.

Can't sleep clowns might eat me

2005-10-06T08:08:00.001-07:00

I just don't get clowns. There is nothing funny about a clown. There never fucking has been. Cars with wheels that fall off, flowers that squirt water, electric shock handshakes and that's before anyone mentions the twatty get up, make up, nose, fright wig and super large floppy feet.

I have no issue with the clown in Poltergeist to be frank he's doing us all a favour but he wasn't meant to be funny.

What about that Ronald McFucking Super Size Me Donald. An advertising mascot for franchising who is now 42 years old - a little old to be a clown aren't ya Ronald? With pockets made out of bags of fries for fucksake. Legend has it that putting on the Ronald McDonald clown face is a painstaking process of applied foundation, spirit gum, white base and detail makeup that can sometimes take two hours to apply. Then apply that red curly wig. I ask ya sounds like Bonnie Langford getting ready for panto.

Don't get me started on mimes - bunch of mealy mouthed grease painted cunts in gloves.

Useless fact: Fear of clowns is called coulrophobia

I'll take ya all on ya bastards

2005-10-05T17:29:00.000-07:00

Stay tuned